One Woman’s Junk Mail…

As a kid, I had what could be considered an unhealthy obsession with the LL Bean Home catalog. Once I had procured my monogrammed Bean backpack, I was all up in the pima cotton percale sheets. (The backpack just read EK, if you’re wondering. Couldn’t use that middle initial because having a backpack that said EEK was just asking for it. Thanks, Mom.) After watching an episode or two of Full House or Sister Sister, I would curl up with the LL Bean Home catalog (or the decidedly less exciting LL Bean Home section in the regular version) and pick out items to furnish my dream house in Bangor, Maine.

Anywho – while my desire to live like a Yankee grandma has dissipated, I still love flipping through beautiful print catalogs filled with weird, wonderful wares that have little or no use in my day to day existence. Last summer, when everyone had their panties in a twist over Restoration Hardware’s 11lb print catalog, I contemplated stealing my neighbor’s every time I walked in or out of the house. She had left it at her doorstep, in protest. And/or she was on vacation.

The holidays, of course, are a wonderful time for me and other catalog crazies. The mailboxes are flooded, and no one’s bitching on social, because Santa wouldn’t like that. Best of all, everyone’s looking. Some look to buy, some look to gawk, and others look to sneer, which, in the case of writer Drew Magary and Deadspin, results in what has become one of my favorite holiday traditions: The Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog.

The guide features an item, the WS copy, and then Drew’s take. Below, I’ve cherry-picked my faves, along with snippets of Drew’s snark. Why’d I do this? Simple, really. You, dear reader, are busy, and I’ve got to write this blog. Merry Christmas, people!

Item #66-7741952 – Gluten-Free Vanilla Sugar Cookie Mix ($14.95)

1Copy: “This year, we’ve partnered with some of our favorite bloggers, bakers, and chefs to create a collection of recipes sure to win at any holiday cookie swap.”

The Best Part of What Drew Says:  “That bitch is gonna burn, thanks to the $16 I spent on this gluten-free sugar cookie mix. It’s like a regular sugar cookie, but for pussies! I’m gonna bake these things up, present them on a tasteful, silver-lined plate, and take that bitch to school.”

Item #66-5750161 – Croissonuts ($39.95) (!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2Copy: “Let rise overnight, fry, then roll in sugar or add your favorite filling. Set of 18.”

The Best Part of What Drew Says: “I have to fry them myself? FUCK YOU, WILLIAMS-SONOMA. I paid you $40 so that I wouldn’t have to go stand in line with all the jackasses at 5 a.m. You fry them.”

Item #66-4593893 – Spoonula ($9.95)

3Copy: “A spoonula combines the flexibility of a silicone spatula with the handy curve of a spoon. The result is an ultra-versatile tool for scraping, stirring, and folding … also available in yellow or pumpkin.”

The Best Part of What Drew Says:  “No, thank you. I will use a spoon for spooning and a spatula for spatula-ing. A spoonula is only useful for the ultra-light brand of BDSM that your standard New Canaan housewife shows an interest in once every three years or so. Get that spoonula out of my face.”

Item #66-7105646 – Snowflake Jacquard Apron ($34.95)

4

Copy: “Jacquard-woven cotton. Made in Portugal.”

Drew Says:  “It’s worth noting that W-S founder Chuck Williams grew up dirt-poor and fatherless, and was forced to work on a date farm (literally named Sniffs) all through high school. Wikipedia says he also served in World War II as a plane mechanic. He is a legitimately self-made man and a fantastic American success story. So I like to imagine that he created this catalog just to fuck with rich trust-fund babies. ‘Tell them it’s made in Portugal. They’ll shit their dicks for Portuguese cotton.’”

All images and quotes source TheConcourse.com

Posted by Erin K. 

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