I Know Too Much

aaImage source Huffingtonpost.com

Back in college, I had a philosophy professor who liked to pepper up his lectures about Kant with his thoughts on social media. A lot of it has faded over the years (blame the collegiate binge drinking thimble sized glass of red wine I consumed nightly), but a few of his thoughts had staying power. One of his best: “Facebook is weird. It’s great at keeping lots of relationships on their last legs by sharing info that, really, you shouldn’t know considering how often you actually speak. This may not make sense now, but it will later.”

Well it’s, uh, later, and dammit if he wasn’t right. My social network is chockablock with peeps that I haven’t spoken to IRL in years. Still, I can’t just unfriend them. Sure it’s kind of weird that I know that my sophomore year roommate’s boyfriend’s buddy runs 4.2 miles every Saturday morning (thanks, Runkeeper, and good on you, Pete!) but what can I do? It’s like, sure she posts too many pics of her kids, but why not keep tabs on Jenna from Second Grade? Her constant documentation of her two adorable little tots manages to be both  super cute and a super convenient birth control PSA. It’s a two-for-one and this lady likes a bargain.

Point being, I now get inundated with life updates both creepily intimate and trivial every time I log on. This is the currency we exchange with those we are sort-of, kind-of connected to. The great many things I’d rather not have seen over the years include but are not limited to:

1) Pic-Stitched photos of the exposed, ever expanding bellies of my mommy-to-be friends. “This is, like, what Pic-Stitch was made for!” (OMG congrats, but this is, like, why Pic-Stitch must immediately be destroyed.)

2) What everyone had for dinner last night. (I’m guilty of this. And I’m sorry.)

3) How terrible everyone’s commute was. (Again, guilty. Again, sorry!)

4)  What city people I went to kindergarten with should ACTUALLY live in, according to Buzzfeed. (My friend who still goes hard on random Tuesdays nearly died of happiness when she  got Cancun. Rage on, amiga.)

5) Everyone’s spirit animals, according to Buzzfeed. (My fifth grade crush got “Sting Ray,” I got “Polar Bear.” At least now I know why we could never be.)

6) Everyone’s inner Disney Princess, again according to Buzzfeed. (“Look at this post, isn’t it neat…”No. Nope. It’s not. And last time I checked, you don’t even swim.)

7) What car everyone should ACTUALLY drive based on the one they already own, according to – you guessed it! – Buzzfeed. (Um, I drive a 2014 Nothing, and the fact that you have a car and are taking a quiz to find out how best to upgrade makes me hate you.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoping people stop posting these things. And, as indicated above, I realize that I am fully guilty of more than one of these things (including the Buzzfeed quizzes – my Disney Princess is Pocahontas and I totally thought my FB friends would care!). I’m just advocating a little bit of awareness. You never know what kind of creeps are watching and compiling your info for a blog post.

*When the author gets annoyed, she recommends bitching about it on the Internet. Do as she says, not as she does. 

Posted by Erin K. 

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