Dear Swifty, Keep It in Your Pants.

taylor-swift-harry-styles-zoo-nycImage source JustJaredJr.com

Dear Taylor,

OMG! Wassup gurl? Heard you have a new BF and that he is zexy. Boy band member? Hot. Two sleepovers in a row? STEAMY.

Think this one is forever? I mean I know you thought you’d be with Connor K. forever when you bought that $5 million dollar estate on his family’s illustrious compound. Can’t wait to hear your song about the troubles of selling expensive real estate in a bad economy.

Anyways, as your older, wiser BFF, I thought I’d reach out and give you some advice. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, GIRL. Look, I know you’re young and at 22 – you should be going out, meeting people, even doing some minor pAAryting (just drinking, no hard stuff.) But girl, when you’re in the public eye, you’ve got an image to protect!

You’ve already done some damage. Like, really? John Mayer, post-J-Simps and post-his-super-skeevy Rolling Stone interview about J Simps? Oy. But I think your rep is salvageable!

My advice? Break up with the badass pop star with the lame tattoos, stay home on your couch maybe a few more times a week (really, a movie and a glass of red wine can be delightful) and STOP WRITING SONGS ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIENDS AND TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEY’RE ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIENDS. It just allows people to know exactly how many dudes you’ve boned.

Hope you listen. But if not, it just gives me more to gossip about behind your back.

Xoxo, LYLAS,

Jess

Posted by Jess

 

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