Image source The Real Cougar Woman
For the first time in my life, at the tender age of 30, I’m living alone. After having roommates for more than 15 years (I started young in high school), the time has finally come for me to spread my wings, handle my own bills, and not think twice about doing just about everything totally naked.
It was kismet, then, a few weeks ago when I stumbled across “24 Survival Tips for Living Alone.” Though the writer doesn’t specifically come out and say these tips are targeted at women, it’s made abundantly clear by some of the tips (how to put on jewelry and lotion) that not only are women physically weak and desperately in need of tricks to open stubborn jars, but they’re also – and I find this the most offensive – incapable of finishing a bottle of wine on their own.
While it would be exhausting to refute all 24 tips here, it would also be redundant, as my first-ever roommate has already done so. A veteran of living on her own, she now cohabitates, but that doesn’t mean she’s lost her flair for solo thinking.
As such, I present to you a few choice excerpts from her interpretation of the “24 Survival Tips for Living Alone” –
Article says: “Open a stubborn jar using rubber bands.”
I say: Stop with the MacGyvering. No tools necessary. Run the bitch under hot water. If that doesn’t work, bang the lid against the counter. If that doesn’t work, you should be in a frustrated enough flurry of self-loathing that you can simply smash it on the floor and pick out the non-glass-shardy bits.
Article says: “Use a mason jar to store leftover wine.”
I say: Reading this made me spit out my morning wine. “Leftover wine”? Huh? They make wine bottles in single 750mL serving sizes for a reason. Finish your fruit juice like a good girl. When you’re done with that, you can move on to your vegetables in your bloody mary.
Article says: “Use scotch tape to put on a bracelet.”
I say: Practice it on your own to increase your manual dexterity. This could come in handy for other single-living situations, if you know what I mean.
Article says: “Use baking soda and vinegar to unclog a drain.”
I say: I’m sorry, is this article starting to assume that not only are you living alone, but that you’re trapped in a post-apocalyptic bunker and must use only the tools available to you in your 10′ x 10′ panic room? Go buy some Draino. Try and refrain from drinking it, you know, because you must be so sad to simply be living by yourself.
Article says: “Use dishwasher soap and hot water to unclog a toilet.”
I say: Plunger, anyone? This article is starting to remind me of those god-awful Cosmo features I’d read as a virginal 15 year old that tried to suggest that sex was much better when both parties were suspended from their ankles by rosary beads, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s greatest hits was playing in the background, one partner spanks the other with a plastic lawn flamingo while the other engages in dirty talk spoken only in Korean. What happened to the old stand-bys, people? They’re still good. And I didn’t even know that first hand at the time. Much like I don’t operate a plunger now.
Article says: “Wrap a shower cap around an overly-sensitive smoke detector.”
I say: Oh yeah, great advice. You live alone; by all means, cut off the devices that would alert outside parties that your life could be in mortal peril.
Article says: “Invest in a home alarm system.”
I say: And then place the home alarm equivalent of shower caps over that to ensure that no one will come to your rescue because, according to the rest of the world, single people living alone should only be found dead weeks later due to the alarming stench and howling of cats no longer satisfied with the taste of your face.
Posted by Amelia