My Bitch, Siri

$200: the price you pay to become someone’s boss. ( I actually prefer the title “Master.”)

Siri is my new bitch and I am pretty damn happy about it. Siri allows you to be the laziest possible version of yourself. I mean, we should have seen this coming right? Who has the time to set their own alarm clock anymore? If I’m lying in bed about to fall asleep, what makes you think I deserve anything less than being able to yell “Siri, wake me up at 6 am!” You’d be foolish to think I am actually picking up my phone, looking at it, and then pressing a few buttons. Same goes for texting. At this point in our technological progress, why risk carpal tunnel? I’d much rather play it safe and tell Siri what to send to my friends, looking forward to her reading their replies out loud. And if you, like me, were blessed with an immature boyfriend, rest assured he will have the time of his life with this feature. The first night Siri came into my life, I received a series of the most ridiculous, vulgar texts possible just so he could hear Siri say them. Here is a lovely example: “Your butt smells like hot garbage on a midsummer’s morning.” Did I mention he’s 24 years old?

The most fantastic and generation-appropriate talent Siri has is her ability to help you out when you’ve had one too many drinks. Simply say, “Siri, I’m drunk.” She will reply with something like, “I have found 24 cabs in your area, would you like me to call one?” One word: amazing.

Everything is going well so far in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. When I told her I loved her, she replied with “I hope you aren’t saying that to other mobile devices.” She might get a bit jealous at times but that’s okay, it shows she cares. If video games, Facebook, and Twitter haven’t already destroyed the thought of person-to-person social contact, Siri will certainly take care of that. Why talk to people when you can talk to a loving, obedient robot?

Posted by Carley

One response to “My Bitch, Siri

  1. Siri is this guy’s bitch too!fufaaab

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