The Lollipop Guild, Canadian Style

I always laugh at the memory of my incredibly opinionated aunt lambasting athletic water bottles. “They all look ridiculous…slurping and sucking on those plastic nipples—it’s absurd—they’re like children!” Well, it’s this exact principle which led a city councilor on the island city of Victoria in British Columbia to introduce a new technique for encouraging drunk-ass fools from hooping, hollering and fighting in the streets…simply give them a lolly.

The rationale: “[A lollipop] reduces noise because you can’t really be making a lot of noise when you’re sucking a lollipop. And if it cuts down on dialogue that could reduce fights,” City Councilor Charlayne Thornton-Joe says. “And lastly, just like anyone that has given a child a pacifier, it calms and pacifies people.”

It does make some sense—hell, banks have done it for generations—and this breed of drunk asshole is barely one first-step ahead of toddlers anyways so they may as well be sucking on kids candy while they stagger their stupid asses home. And from a biz perspective, think of all the potential in a late-night lolly or popsicle cart! Which leads me to my favorite Southern discovery—King of Pops. Suck on THAT!

Posted by Sam

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