You Suck and Your Stupid Family Does Too

On a trip down to the Cape this past Memorial Day, I started to notice these stick figure decals on the back windows of luxury SUVs, minivans and other obnoxious “family” vehicles. It seemed like every car on Route 6 had some iteration of these stickers—a Porsche Cayenne with a mom, dad, two sons and a dog; a Tahoe with a mom, dad, a daughter and a baby son, etc. I don’t know exactly what it is about these things, but they drive me fucking crazy. They’re just stupid. Why do people feel the need to broadcast their family tree on the back of their car? Do they feel better about the fact that they drive a Honda Odyssey because, as these stickers show, they have to? Like, “Don’t judge me because I drive a lame car. See the stickers on the back? I’ve got a family. I have to drive this car.”

When I mentioned my deep hatred for these stupid stickers to a few people, I discovered that I’m the last person on earth to come across them. Apparently, they’ve been out for years. Perhaps even as long as people have been putting those stupid fucking stars up on their houses. [Don’t get me started.] My sister’s boyfriend even claims to have seen a sticker to denote a child who died in the form of an “angel” stick figure that flies over the rest of the family. Sick, right? You can’t just let your son or daughter pass away in peace; you have to memorialize them on the back of your car as a stick figure?! The same sticker memorial given to your alma mater and your ability to park at the town beach?! It’s almost as if the owners of these family-stickered vehicles are asking to be rear-ended, or even stalked as this blogger keenly points out—

Hi, Jones’ family. You have one adult male who golfs, he’s weak, but has money. You have one adult female who bakes; she’s fat and more than likely slow. You have three children who will need to be subdued, starting with the teenager who skateboards. The dog should be put down immediately to avoid noise, although it appears to be a small breed. Easily dealt with.

Is sticker family profiling the new racial profiling? Only time will tell.

Posted by Amelia

2 responses to “You Suck and Your Stupid Family Does Too

  1. Julie Nations

    Amen!

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