After being dumped, I typically go through two stages. The first stage is the crying, listening to “All By Myself,” and drinking alone phase (a la Renée Zellweger in Bridget Jones’ Diary). A stage of self-pity and drowning in sorrow…it’s not pretty. The second stage is the life-transforming stage. No, I’m not talking about shaving my head; it’s quite obvious how well that worked out for Britney. Definitely more challenging to perfect than stage one (I mean, how hard is it to pop a lid off a pint of Ben & Jerry’s?), little did I know that Jenny from the Block, my ex’s first crush, would provide the needed inspiration.
That’s right, it was Jennifer Lopez who taught me all I needed to know. Forget hitting the gym, eating healthy and ‘learning to enjoy my alone time.’ I didn’t need to sweat; I only needed to spend some $700, as her ever-so-classy lyrics proclaim: “I’m throwing on my Louboutins. Watch these Red bottoms, and the back of my jeans. Watch me go bye, baby.” Thanks to J. Lo, I could throw on some four-inch heels and make him watch me walk away…and I could afford it too, if only I got paid for having a butt just like hers.
But now money’s no longer an issue thanks to the newest trend called the “loub job.” For just $35, cobblers all over New York City are offering to transform your dull Steve Madden black soles into jaw-dropping red ones. I just have to wait for the louboutinizing movement to come to Boston and I’ll be ready to “throw on my Louboutins” and walk away. Stage two, perfection achieved!
Posted by Casey