The Latest in Unnecessary Kitchen Tools: The Dog Dicer

When I was little, I spotted an apple slicer at the grocery store and forced my mother to buy it for me. I was right in the middle of an apple phase, refusing to eat them whole and disliking the time it took to cut up (10 seconds was too long for my 8-year-old attention span). This was the beginning of a short-lived fascination with these [insert task at hand]-made-easy products.

Today, an endless supply of gadgets exist to “make life easier,” including ShamWow and Slap-Chop (touted by creep-master Vince Shlomi who was arrested a few years back for beating up a hooker), but, for the most part, they tend to fall short of what they claim to do, are made cheaply, and generally are just pretty stupid. But just when I thought these things had reached the pinnacle of ridiculousness, I came across The Dog Dicer (thank you, Guyism).

Ok, I get it, hot dogs are DANGEROUS!!! Today 1 in 3 overweight children forget to chew, and parents are forced to remember what they can from learning about the Heimlich maneuver in 8th grade. I mean, really?! Does one 6-7” hot dog absolutely need to be cut into 48 pieces? And, if so, does it really need a special tool to do so? Have knives become passé?

Whoever invented this thing is seriously savvy, though. Talk about taking advantage of parental fear. In 2010, it was reported that 10,000 kids under the age of 14 were treated for choking on food, with hot dogs as the culprit 17% of the time. A lifesaver for just $9.95 (plus shipping + handling, natch); totally lame…but, why didn’t I think of that?!

Posted by Haley

Image Source Macaroni Kid

No, THIS is Why You’re Fat

From Big Macs to fried Twinkies to the Ultimate Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, it’s getting harder and harder to deny the food industry’s ongoing attempt to clog every artery in the world before 2050.  And just when I’d thought I’d seen it all, DiGiorno introduced the pizza & cookie  combo.  As if eating a frozen pizza for dinner wasn’t enough to make you want to run 30 miles, you can now top it off with a roll of cookie dough.

I understand the arguments on both sides of the debate about the garbage that our food industry is supplying.  Yes, it’s horrific and disturbing that our grocery store shelves are packed with food so caloric it makes medieval kings’ feasts look like bar snacks; but, on the other hand, how beautiful is it that we live in a nation where we have the right to choose what we put in our bodies.  If we want to eat ourselves to the BMI of a baby whale, it’s our god-given right to do so!  And that’s just what we’ve done.  We have chosen to buy the pizza/cookie combos, and so that’s what we’re being served, because clearly we all know what’s best for us.

So the next time you’re set for a night of binging and self-loathing, be sure to pick up the blood-clotting combo. God Bless America!

Posted by Courtney

KFC’s Double Down: Angina in Sandwich Form

In the midst of this country’s staggering obesity epidemic, KFC is introducing an artery-clogging sandwich to its menu — and I use the term sandwich loosely. The Double Down combines two strips of bacon with slices of Monterey and pepper jack cheeses and a mysterious yellow condiment dubbed “Colonel’s Sauce” (a moniker implying more intimacy with the beloved spokesman than, I hope, was actually involved) between two slabs of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken in lieu of bread. Evidently, KFC didn’t think twice about the health reform legislation requiring chain restaurants to display calorie content on menus and drive-thru signs. And more to the point, what happened to the restaurant’s efforts to rebrand itself as a healthier fast food option?

The chain is appeasing its health-conscious clientele by offering the sandwich with grilled chicken, as if that will make the cellulite on your ass magically disappear. Just because this sandwich lacks buns, don’t think it will work wonders in tackling yours!

Posted by Abby