Why Getting Stuck on a Dead Train During Rush Hour on a Friday Doesn’t Totally Suck

Image source Amelia Sutton

Last week, I had the immense pleasure of taking the MBTA commuter rail down to Providence. After a lovely afternoon of gourmet grilled cheeses at Farmstead (hey, it’s National Grilled Cheese Month, so why not?!), I boarded the train home thinking to myself, “it’s only an hour ride back to Boston — so easy!”

Not. So. Fast.

This is the MBTA and we all know how much the MBTA sucks. More often than not, the MBTA sucks because of the beautiful, considerate people riding it. But every once in awhile, the MBTA only has itself to blame for the widespread hatred most people feel toward it. This is one of those times.

Perhaps I should have seen a blacked-out train with no AC or electricity to be a bad omen when boarding in Providence. But no. The conductors assured us that the engine was functional thanks to “reserve batteries.” We would be fine!

SPOILER ALERT: We were not fine. The train does about two miles after we cross into Massachusetts. (For those familiar with the Providence-Boston commute, we made it a whopping two whole stops on the “reserve batteries.”)

After waiting on the tracks for a tow to the next station, we do some more waiting — on the dead train at the station, on the platform, on the rescue train, in between stations…

To honor my epic, four-hour ride home to Boston, allow me to present the highlights of my afternoon and night. I started this list about five minutes into the ordeal; the first five “highlights” are pretty angry. By #6, I’m starting to enjoy the weirdness that erupts among strangers stuck in a small space under bizarre circumstances. And by #10, I’m loving life so hard I want to spend every Friday night on a jacked-up train. So while this blog could have been titled Reason #765 Why I’d Rather Army Crawl to My Destination than Take the MBTA, it’s more Why Getting Stuck on a Dead Train During Rush Hour on a Friday Doesn’t Totally Suck. And for that, MBTA, I applaud your riders.

1. The text message I received from a coworker saying “You should have taken Amtrak.”

2. The peculiar, rotten-shrimp-on-a-hot-summer-day-inside-a-stadium-bathroom smell that permeated every single one of the train cars.

3. The obnoxious teenager who narrated the first 30 minutes of the train breakdown to her father on her cell phone with the following eavesdropped gems:

a. “But Daddy, it’s hot in here!”

b. “I know you’re super important and busy, but can you pick me up in Attleboro?”

c. “What about a town car? Can you send a town car?”

4. The gorgeous view of Attleboro I enjoyed for no less than 45 minutes while stuck on the dead train. (See photo above.)

5. The crew of high school kids talking about what Boston bars they were going to try and get into later that night.

6. The opportunity to hand write this blog with a pen and paper, thanks to a dead phone. It felt like 1997!

7. The four high-speed Amtrak trains that whizzed by us, rocking our dead-in-its-tracks train so badly that babies actually cried. They cried!

8. The MBTA employee who told a rider to throw their garbage “over the fence and onto the Amtrak tracks” rather than in the already-overflowing train bathroom trash.

9. The older gentleman having a heated discussion about the Venezuelan Tennis Association on his cell phone.

10. The aforementioned high school kids who spontaneously broke out a dinosaur costume and banana costume to rap battle it out and wrestle while waiting on the platform at Attleboro. I am still trying to track down this video on YouTube.

11. The Official Petition for Inter-species Marriage (see dino and banana mentioned above) passed around the rescue train for passenger signatures.

12. The middle-aged biker who decided to entertain the train car with an Andrew Dice Clay-inspired stand-up routine. He may or may not have been drinking out of a brown paper bag. Babies cried — again.

13. The same Andrew Dice Clay impersonator Skyping his girlfriend and asking the whole train to yell “Hi Tonya!”

Posted by Amelia

An Open Letter to Boston Cabdrivers

Image source Wikipedia

Per Amelia’s earlier vitriol-filled rant against the MBTA, our city’s public transportation system is often lackluster at best. But to the Hub’s harried commuters, I’d like to point out that local taxi services leave much to be desired as well. Case in point: the class-action lawsuit two cab drivers recently filed against the City of Boston indicates a flawed system rife with disgruntled workers and overly compensated fleet owners, leaving passengers with the shit end of the stick.

Sure, there are a handful of conscientious cabbies in our midst (shout-out to the jolly Russian man who went out of his way to return my wallet, then refused to accept a $20 tip), but nine times out of ten the guy (or occasional gal) on the other side of the partition acts put-upon, ungracious or downright hostile.

Herewith, a snapshot of my grievances:

• You refuse to pick me up in Back Bay and take me to Beacon Hill because the fare isn’t high enough…when I’m by myself at 2am and it’s the dead of winter. You are not only breaking the law, but sealing your own karmic retribution in one fell swoop.

• You can’t decide whether or not having your light on means you currently have a passenger. CAN EVERYONE JUST PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT?!

• You huff and puff when I ask to pay using plastic, then swear under your breath that I didn’t leave a high enough tip. Boston cabs must be equipped with a FUNCTIONAL credit card processing capability. Deal with it. (Side note: I’d throw in another dollar if you didn’t give me a hard time about paying with credit in the first place).

• You drive at a glacial pace, go a roundabout route, stop at every yellow light and take other prolonging measures to jack up the fare. May I remind you, maximizing passenger turnover maximizes the money in your pocket.

Trust me, the list continues but I’ll stop ranting so others can chime in. Let me know your experiences and gripes!

Posted by Abby

Why We’re Winners

Image by BostInnovation

Dear Loyal m.blog Readers,

Today, we ask for your help; your help to win.

Don’t get us wrong, we win on a daily basis (have you seen all the press we get our clients!?). At the risk of using a taboo hash tag, our team of talented guys and dolls goes into every day with a #winning mindset, which is why Sam starts his morning (or shall we say, mid-morning) with a mocha-marijuana-valium-vodka latte. Yes, we actually have a mug in the office that says that.

All jokes aside, we want to win BostInnovation’s Insider Awards. Why? Because the awards celebrate “crushing content & dropping knowledge,” which is pretty much the m.blog’s tag line…at least it is now.

We shouldn’t have to spell this out for you, but we’re nice (sometimes), so we will. Five days a week for the past three years, we’ve provided you with snark, wit, charm, honest insight and heartfelt hatred. Not to mention, we’ve educated you on new words, vaginas (and vajazzling!), recycling beef fat into your beauty routine and how to tell if your son is gay.

We’re not just about gossip and entertainment, either. We teach you etiquette, like how to not be a douche while using public transportation, the steps you can take to avoid being trashy, what to do if you find yourself with a dude who has two…um…peni? and how to ace a walk of shame.

We reminisce about the days of yore, when life was better, simpler (a.k.a the 90s), tell you personal anecdotes, and demonstrate that working in PR is not just one big fabulous party. Together, we’ve experienced history, like when Alyssa actually got engaged after making Glamour’s engagement chicken recipe, blogged about it, and was then chosen by Glamour to be featured in the magazine in a story on the famous recipe. OH WAIT, then she got flown to NYC for a photo shoot to model a Vera Wang wedding dress, get styled by Vera herself and be photographed by Patrick Demarchelier. That’s right, the m.blog changes lives.

The point is, we go there. We’ve been givin’ it to you straight for some time now, without fearing whether you’ll judge us, find us rude, lewd or crude. We’ve never asked anything of you, but now we’ve come to collect. In exchange for all the entertainment we’ve provided you, all the mornings we’ve spent stressed out over finding a worthy enough blog topic, please vote for the m.blog in BostInnovation’s Insider Awards for the best Advertising/Marketing blog.

We may be awesome, but you’re the ones who inspire us to be that way. So in the immortal words of Jerry Maguire, help us help you by spreading the word!

Facebook it, Tweet it, LinkedIn it, Google Plus it, Pin it, make it your Gmail status, pretend like you’re in the Girl Scouts again and send it to your daddy at work…we don’t care, we just want to win!

Oh, and voting for the nomination phase ends January 27. Chop chop!  (Editor’s update 2.2.2012: voting phase ends February 15.  Seriously-choppity chop chop chop!)

(We’ll even do all the work for you. For your posting pleasure: #vote for @marlomarketing’s m.blog in @BostInnovation’s #InsiderAwards Advertising/Marketing category http://tinyurl.com/7rtgfvf)

Posted by Hannah

This Isn’t Just Another MBTA Rant

Yes, I could bitch and moan for hours on the lack of subway etiquette that abounds on the MBTA (moms with enormous baby carriages, students who are drunk, tourists who are lost), but that would be a) typical behavior of an obnoxious acquaintance on Facebook or b) a sad, tired topic better suited for the op-ed section of The Daily Free Press (sorry, BU). Instead, I’m going to keep it simple and straightforward.

I present to you The Four Commandments of Riding the MBTA with Dignity, Class and Consideration*:

1. Be aware that your backpack is an extension of yourself
   I’m pretty sure they teach you this in kindergarten, but no one seems to remember. I’ve been groped and assaulted by far too many backpacks. Keep your shit in line.
2. Don’t disrupt the entire train when it’s your stop
   Getting out of your seat before the train/bus has stopped moving and causing people to rearrange themselves is not only inconsiderate but entirely unnecessary. I’ve never seen somebody miss their stop because they didn’t have time to exit. Sit the fuck down.
3. Don’t tend to any corporal needs
   Whether it’s eating, brushing your hair, clipping your nails, it’s all gross. So don’t do it. Ever.
4. Don’t plaster yourself against a vertical handrail on a crowded train
   A lot of people only need a few inches of rail to steady themselves between stations. If your entire torso is plastered against the rail and you’re hugging it for dear life like it’s your long-lost childhood teddy bear, no one else can grab it. This means that people will be body-slamming into you every time the train moves. If this is how you get your kicks, by all means, keep being an asshole.

*Also known as How Not to be a Douche While Using Public Transportation

Feel free to add your own. This is, after all, a declaration from the people.

Posted by Amelia

Editor’s Note:  This blog was written and scheduled to be posted today on 10.6.2011.  News on the new MBTA courtesy campaign reported in today’s paper is pure coincidence.  Or is it?!?!?!http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2011/10/13/mbta_turns_to_humor_with_new_etiquette_ads/

I’ll See Your Physical and Raise You One Verbal (Assault)

Living in New York City for seven years, I had my fair share of experiences I’d quite like to forget: a Halloween street stabbing, homeless man relieving himself (1 & 2), and many more. Most often, as my dear mother taught me, I’d keep my mouth shut so as not to involve myself in a potentially dangerous situation…but sometimes, I wish I had spoken up.

Enter one such young woman who, just last week, stood up for herself, women, and most New Yorkers who’ve “seen it all” — even if they didn’t want to. On what I can imagine was just another daily subway ride, this woman felt as though her personal space was being unnecessarily invaded. Upon turning around, she came face to face with a disgusting pervert who had unzipped his pants and exposed his condom-clad genitals.

Sheer horror, repulsion, and shock would have consumed most, but instead, this modern day heroine really showed him what exposure was all about. This pitiful excuse for a man gets called out in a way that only seasoned NYC vets know how to do…”Oh you are getting f***ing arrested! I’m not leaving your side. My plans are DONE for the night!” Even her fellow passengers whipped out (no pun intended) their cell phone cameras and mocked the offender.

After a slew of MBTA flashings this summer and fall, let this be a wake up call to the degenerates out there who can’t get any real action and thus resort to whipping it out on the T. If you happen to do it around me, consider this your fair warning: Haley Rose has definitely found her voice!

Posted by Haley