Brief Jerky

Image source Etsy

Scenario: you’ve been in a long term relationship for a while now. (Clearly, I’m not talking about myself. Unfortunately, I am trés single these days, but that’s beside the point.) Everything is great. No, better than great… astounding, even. Except lately, you’ve noticed that the heat between the sheets is lacking. It seems to have been all about him; rarely about you. You swear you’ve tried every hint to direct the action southward — things that you’d never in a million years share with your mother (which is precisely why I won’t bother listing them here). He’s your best friend, your confidant, and everything you’ve been dreaming about since you were a little girl…but even Prince Charming can’t get away with being selfish in the sack.

Ladies, men are visual creatures. They also say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Where am I going with all of this? Forget fruity edible underwear. That is amateur speak better suited for teenage boys reminiscing about sucking Fruit Rolls-Ups off of their middle fingers; I’m talking about men here. And what do men like? Meat. Yes, you heard that correctly. While silk panties are nice, how about something he really has to work at to get off, like underthings made from real beef jerky. I know what you’re saying… “Meat?! Who do you think I am, Lady Gaga?!” Don’t worry; these aren’t just any plain old slabs of dried up cow. These are garnished with girlie things, like rhinestones! Talk about a product that truly has a little something for everyone.

If your significant other has been reluctant to “eat your meat,” I have a feeling these will do the trick.

Posted by Emily

Fashion of the Future

If we were given the opportunity to forecast what fashion would look like in 2040, what would we predict? Suddenly images of sidewalks filled with women in Lady Gaga-esque armadillo shoes come to mind.

Buzzfeed.com recently posted a video from the 1930s where fashion designers shared their ideas on styles that they thought would be popular in 2000. From dresses that can be adaptable from morning to evening (think de-attachable sleeves!) to wedding dresses made of glass, the predications are highly amusing and in some cases, rather accurate. For instance, one idea they had was clothing using transparent net…I’m pretty sure I have this adorable Nanette Lepore number with netted sleeves sitting in my closet at home. Granted, it’s not to catch males, but hey, I’m all about multi-functional!

Now if only Bloomingdales sold electric headpieces to help all women “find an honest man”…  To 2040!

Posted by Alyssa

I Call it Shoeicide

Thanks to my gangsta roommate from Mendham, NJ (insert Sartalics here) I keep up with all the hip hop latest jamz. Currently, our anthem is “You Be Killin’ ‘Em” by Fabolous; it’s a pretty addictive and awesome song because you can look like you know the lyrics by singing the chorus, without having to know any of the rap parts. I bring up this song because there is a line in it that goes “her feet are killin’ her, I call it shoeicide,” which is quite clever considering the dramatic height and design of heels these days.

Forget Steve Madden’s stripper-like heels of yore, these ugly geisha-like shoes keep popping up in fashion blogs everywhere. Of course, Lady Gaga, who Vanity Fair labeled one of 2011’s “Best Dressed” has not been much help in squashing this look. Thanks for boosting her ego, VF.

Hey, I’m all for killin’ it in sky high heels; they make your butt, quads and calves look fabulous, but most heels are uncomfortable enough. Why anyone would want to wear these stilt-like contraptions is beyond me.  I don’t know about gangsta world, but they certainly wouldn’t fly on the cobblestone streets of Beacon Hill.

Posted by Hannah

Avante-GaGarde

People love Lady GaGa. I guess there is something inspiring about how she dares to be different (or just herself?); it must be nice to have an entire globe be so supportive of your complete weirdness…I can’t even get my friends and family to understand my compulsive need to pluck coarse strands from my head (it’s a disease people! And yes, it has a name, trichotillomania!), let alone my obsession with The Nanny. Yet somehow, Lady GaGa is just so awesome that she can get away with substituting raw meat for clothing with hardly any criticism. Unbelievable.

What’s more unbelievable is that GaGa’s influence has become so mainstream and commendable that daily city newspaper, metro, and V magazine have decided to incorporate the star’s lyrical prowess into their publications. That’s right, Lady Gaga is now also a writer/editor.

A recent edition of metro divulged the exciting information that she will be editing the May 17^th issue of the national paper. Additionally, V reported that GaGa is coming on as a new columnist for the magazine. What kind of columnist, you ask? A FASHION COLUMNIST!

In WHAT UNIVERSE does Lady CrayCray have the authority to write about fashion? Of course, fashion is an art form, a form of self-expression, and designer runway shows can certainly demonstrate the impractical, over-the-top side of it (I mean honestly, who is going to wear a see-through poodle skirt as her bottoms, and hold a baby lamb stuffed animal for her shirt?), but I don’t think it justifies having a woman who wears a frock made out of a zillion Kermit the Frog heads as relatable fashion advisor.

Posted by Hannah

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BornTattooed This Way

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve undoubtedly heard Lady Gaga’s billboard chart-topping single “Born This Way,” not to mention all the hype for the album’s release on May 23^rd. The music video, released on February 27^th, already has about 32 million views and made waves for its bizarre alien birthing scene and fantasy world where Lady Gaga reigns supreme (the latter of which is not far from reality, it would seem).

Throughout the video, Gaga dances with and around a sexy, stoic, man who I, myself, wouldn’t mind reenacting the video with, but hey, that’s another story. Gaga’s makeup for this scene took two hours to achieve the desired skeletal effect. His, however, took three years and $7,000.

Rick Genest, a 24-year old Montreal native who tattooed roughly 80% of his body to resemble a “cadaverous zombie,” was once mocked for what many would call an insane, life-changing decision. Someone even created a Facebook fan page titled “I bet this guy will regret getting this tattoo once he’s older!!” Well, jokes on them.

That very Facebook page caught the attention of Nicola Formichetti, creative director for Thierry Mugler and Lady Gaga collaborator, and the rest is history. Genest was not only featured in Thierry Mugler’s Autumn/Winter Paris show and “Born This Way,” but he’s landed a role in the upcoming Keanu Reeves flick Ronin 47, received offers from Italian television, and booked a number of other major fashion gigs.

You might not be born that way, Ricky, but you’re on the right track, baby.

Posted by Haley

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